How Old Are You?

/ Lisa / 3 Comments

We have new neighbors with young children. Their son asked me the other day how old I was. His parents, mortified, tried unsuccessfully to interrupt him. When I told him, he said ‘Wow! That’s really old!’. His parents were even more mortified. I thought it was funny.

Recently, my great-nephew was asked if he knew who his oldest relative was, and he said me. When asked how old he thought I was, he said 100. I thought it was funny.

That little cutie with the red shirt. Right there. Thinks I’m 100.

Then I started thinking about age. I’ve mentioned this before, but I remember when I was about nine, the teacher telling us we would be twenty-one when Haley’s comet flew by. I still remember thinking I’d never be that old. One of my sisters just reminded me of the Beatle’s song ‘will you still need me, will you still feed me when I’m sixty-four’. I’d never be that old. Except, as of yesterday, that’s exactly how old I am. I still think that’s funny.

The sister who reminded me of the Beatle’s. On a hike that is still one of my best memories.

Do you remember the stages of aging?

There was the milestone of becoming double digits. Of turning sweet sixteen. Old enough to drive. Graduating from high school. Turning twenty-one (and Haley’s comet flying by). It seems like after twenty-one, the milestones changed and possibly became less important. Then it was turning thirty. Then forty. And, my god, turning FIFTY!

I wonder when a specific age changed from something that seemed like a huge milestone, a step to adulthood, a major shift in life, to something less important. I’m also trying to remember those early, big milestones.

First campout with his environmental science class.

Sixteen was embarrassing. Everyone asking if I’d never been kissed or never been missed. How are you supposed to answer that? Did you really want to admit to either? Were you supposed to be proud or ashamed?

Twenty-one has good memories. The Scottish dance group I was involved with held a party and gave me a giant cardboard key. It was a tradition that a young woman received the key to the house at that age. My parents took me to an expensive restaurant which was a very rare event in our household. I remember feeling like a threshold had been crossed into adulthood. My brother was more thrilled because I was legal age to buy beer. Somewhere along that path I realized adulthood was still on the horizon.

The big threshold of turning ten days old.

Thirty was a huge milestone. Actually, to be more accurate, twenty-eight. That’s when I moved to the mountains and realized I’d always been meant to live in the woods. The thirties was when I found where I was meant to be, met the man who would marry me, had a child, came out of the closet about writing.

Always my hero.

Thinking about this though, makes me wonder when we lose that sense of excitement. That next goal, next horizon to look forward to, next marker in the stage of life to reach for. What age were you when birthdays changed from milestones that marked looking forward to milestones that marked looking backward?

I’m still looking forward. I laugh when people hear how old I am and tell me I don’t look that old. I laugh when little kids stare at me in awe because their great aunt is ancient. Do I have an age to look forward to now? I wouldn’t say I’m looking forward to a specific age because I don’t really pay attention normally to dates.

But hey! Senior discounts!

Friends and Stress

/ Lisa / 5 Comments

Last week was one of those where stress levels are sky high and then one more thing comes down on you and that’s it. Stress skyrockets to outer space. I decided to ask friends for their favorite stress-reducers. The question led to some great comments, from serious to ones that made me laugh (which, of course, reduces stress). I thought I would share, in no particular order.

Therapy chair and Xanax.

Chocolate and music.

‘Pieces of Her’ on Netflix.

A big bowl of ice water, and a full face implant into it for two to three seconds and repeat at least once to reset. Or a cold shower, full body, for sixty seconds or more. Breathing through slow and deep, then stepping out, breathing to relax, and warming up with a warm shower, still focusing on breathing. The cold shocks the system to break the stress cycle.

Repeating ‘this, too, shall pass’.

Epsom salt bath soaks, and rubbing Epsom salts directly on the neck, shoulders, and underarms.

Watching a funny TV show or movie. Watching that favorite movie with your pets.

Go outside and breathe in cold night air, and taking such a deep breath that when you let it out your shoulders drop and a feeling of warmth floods your body, and then remembering how loved you are.

Using the F**k word and shots of good tequila or whisky, and a big bear hug.

Meditating. Going to a favorite place in your mind and imagining how you would feel there. Also imagining you are being held and hugged by a favorite person. This could even be someone from your long past.

Breathing, slow and deep, inhaling through the nose and exhaling out the mouth with the ‘ah’ sound of relaxation. Ten times or more. This rewires the system. (and belly breaths rather than chest)

Knowing you don’t have to explain anything, simple, short prayers for help to calm you, and for peace of heart.

If being pressed for answers, responding with ‘let me get back to you on that’. Delegating. Remembering that friends will often let you delegate to them.

Yoga and meditation.

Remembering that critical issues will pass one way or another, and ask yourself how much it will matter in a week, a month, or a year from now. Let go of those that loose their potency over time. Stay the course in your heart and you’ll know what to do and you’ll make it through, and eventually these issues will be behind you.

Hot tub, chocolate, tea, a good book, crossing your arms/hands and slapping them on your chest/shoulders, yelling, shouting, screaming, punching pillows, running.

Writing down the things bothering you because putting things on paper helps clear the brain.

Scan through your body. Notice the tension. Invite each piece of tension to soften one at a time. Ease out of the saved up cues of danger leftover from past times so that your body can more accurately assess what amount of safe there is right now.

Acknowledge every feeling, identify the underlying fears, angers, etc.. It’s amazing how much less power those fears have after you do that.

Sound frequency for healing and stress relief.

A pocket rock. Find a rock that gives you a good feeling and touch it when you feel stress, and focus on how it feels. The rocks get smoother over time.

Obviously I couldn’t do everything on the list, but there were some that definitely resonated with me, like the pocket rock. My sister gave me a polished stone years ago to carry with me when going to radiation treatments. I still have that stone and keep it in my crochet basket. I pulled it out. This also reminded me of cultures that use worry rocks and pass them down through generations of family, so the stones end up polished smooth and with worn curves.

Going outside into the fresh air. I went for a walk with a friend and later spent some time out in the cold listening to the wind in the trees.

Remembering to breathe and lower my shoulders! When I read the comment about scanning through my body I realized my neck was stiff and my shoulders were practically up blocking my ears.

The reminder that what I was stressed about will pass and a year from now I probably won’t even remember. How true that is. Also, recognizing the underlying fears. Isn’t fear always underlying stress?

And of course, a hug from the husband always, always, abolishes stress and fear and tears and anger and anything else I need to release. He insists that a hug should last at least 45 seconds to be effective. I count slow.

I found it interesting that many of the comments related to resetting your system, almost shocking it back into balance. As in the bowl of ice water or the cold shower. And of course the many comments around deep breathing, which I think is also a way of resetting the system. This reminded me of a friend who regularly does the polar plunge in our frigid river. It’s a ritual for her and has resulted in some beautiful poetry.

So the stress is greatly reduced and I’m reminded once again what wonderful, wise, and loving friends I have. They are all valued more than they probably know.

Cards

/ Lisa / 5 Comments

One of my sisters always remembered to send cards for every family holiday. Or birthday. Or special day. Or just because. She even managed to send us a beautiful card after she passed away that said ‘love you!’ inside. At Christmas every year she sent out a calendar with family dates as a gentle reminder that we, too, could remember to send out a card. Every year I opened that calendar positive that this year I would do so. I rarely did.

Another sister sends me unique bear cards. The card section in grocery stores these days are bland and boring. Hallmark cards that are all alike. When I was young stationary stores had unique cards that weren’t mass produced. This sister still finds those types of cards. It’s become a challenge for me to also find unique cards to mail her. I love my bear cards and have them around my writing space.

Today I received a card like no other I’ve seen. It was blank. Inside was a stamped envelope but with no address written on it. With the blank card and the blank envelope was a slip of paper. This is what it said.

‘I wanted to send a note to say thank you for the food and friendship you provided to Bruce this summer. When this started we had no idea where we were headed and as things came to the conclusion, and Bruce made choices for his life path, he was grateful for the love and care and kindness you provided…Don’t forget to write. This note provides you the opportunity (and a request) to write to someone you care about by sending the writing out in the note card and passing it forward through the US mail.’

Don’t forget to write.

When my oldest sister was still alive the three of us shared something like a chain card. I can’t remember who started it, but one of us would receive it, add a chatty note, and mail it on to the next one. It would then circle back and keep going. It never got to the point where we had to mail it in a big box, but it was like an ongoing diary kept by three sisters. We still have that and can pull it out and see the handwriting and hear the voices in the words.

Sending on this blank card to someone I care about seems profound somehow. It feels like honoring the sister who always remembered to send us mail. It feels like sending the friendship of the one who passed away out into the wind to wing its way into the unknown. It feels like giving stories, and at the same time, like giving the gift of a blank paper for someone else’s story that needs to be told.

What an amazing gift I received in the mail today. The power of the blank piece of paper. The love and grieving and hope from someone I care about. The opportunity to reach out to someone else I care about. I don’t know how I will choose. I might have to go shopping for a cart-full of blank cards and envelopes.

Don’t forget to write.