As some of you know, I used to journal but several years ago, I burned them in a giant bonfire. Why, you might ask? Because I was burning my mother’s diaries at the time, and I was horrified by the realization that someone I cared for might read mine and my words might break their heart.
Do I have regrets? Only one. That I didn’t give my sisters or my brother a chance to be part of that decision.
Anyway, since then I’ve never journaled. I love the idea of it but shy away from the reality.
Instead, I’ve found a way to keep a diary of sorts without the deep intimacy of one.
For some time now I’ve been jotting things down in a little brown book. Bits of advice and lessons on the craft of writing I come across. Quotes. Poems I find. Song lyrics. And wow, I had a thought the other day that made me laugh.
I kind of want to keep this non-journal a secret in the hopes that some day I can haunt those I love and watch them trying to figure out my diary.
There are things in this little book that I write down because it triggers a fantastic story idea. Or a poem that an amazing character can be built from. There’s writing advice I want to share with my son. There are snippets I want to remember to share with a poet friend, or something that makes me laugh that I really want to pass on.
Then there are words that make me cry. That reach down into my soul and breathe out ‘this is who you are’.
Which is which?
Well, I know, obviously. But it will be so much fun to haunt those loved ones as they read the non-journal and wonder if I was crazy, or depressed, or a closet witch.
That is, if they can read my handwriting. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with this little poem from the non-journal and you can wonder about why I might have chosen it. This is by Lauren Oliver.
“It’s amazing how words can do that, just shred your insides apart. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me – such bullshit.”
I dreamt that my son, who just turned 28, was still a toddler. It was a simple dream – he had climbed up in my lap and fallen asleep with his head on my shoulder. For those of you with kids, do you remember how the little one fit you so well? How they just molded and melted into you? That hot little body sleeping so heavily against you? It was a sweet dream.
But then I clearly heard him, in his adult voice, say loudly and firmly, ‘mom!’ and it woke me up.
This happens often to me, either in the middle of the night or right before waking. I’ll hear my husband clearly say my name. Or sometimes it’s one of my sisters, including the one sister who has passed away.
I then have a hard time getting back to sleep because my imagination kicks in. Was my son just in an accident and called out to me? I have to turn the volume up on my phone just in case. Is my husband having a medical emergency? I hate it when I hear his voice and he’s not in the bed next to me. I have to go look for him. Is something wrong with a sister? One sister stays up late most nights so I can text her and make sure she’s okay. That one, in particular, makes me nervous when I hear her because she and I have shared dreams in the past.
This time I decided to go to the internet.
Hypnopompic hallucinations happen as a person is waking up, between the stages of sleep and fully awake. It happens in about 12% of people.
Hypnagogic hallucinations happen as a person is falling asleep, and happen in about 37% of people.
In both things, people will hear, see, or feel things that are not actually there. It can happen alone, or with sleep paralysis. It differs from mental illnesses because the person is aware that it isn’t real. It differs from nightmares which occur during REM sleep because it’s typically vivid, short, and straightforward, and has no storyline. Of course, if this happens along with other symptoms, such as when fully awake, or with narcolepsy, then obviously you should see a doctor.
While it’s not uncommon, has a medical name, and is straightforward, still, no one knows exactly what causes it.
The name doesn’t make it any less unsettling though, when you hear your son call you in the middle of the night, clearly and vividly, and as if he’s standing right next to you.
One time I even heard our old dog Arwen, singing her happy song that she reserved for when her favorite people came to visit. I reached out for her as I woke, fully expecting her to be next to me on the bed.
Caught in the act – stealing and eating radishes
Will having a scientific name for this along with a description make a difference the next time it happens? Definitely not. I’m still going to text my sister. I’m still going to get up to see where my husband is. Because after all, they still don’t know what causes it.
Last week was one of those where stress levels are sky high and then one more thing comes down on you and that’s it. Stress skyrockets to outer space. I decided to ask friends for their favorite stress-reducers. The question led to some great comments, from serious to ones that made me laugh (which, of course, reduces stress). I thought I would share, in no particular order.
Therapy chair and Xanax.
Chocolate and music.
‘Pieces of Her’ on Netflix.
A big bowl of ice water, and a full face implant into it for two to three seconds and repeat at least once to reset. Or a cold shower, full body, for sixty seconds or more. Breathing through slow and deep, then stepping out, breathing to relax, and warming up with a warm shower, still focusing on breathing. The cold shocks the system to break the stress cycle.
Repeating ‘this, too, shall pass’.
Epsom salt bath soaks, and rubbing Epsom salts directly on the neck, shoulders, and underarms.
Watching a funny TV show or movie. Watching that favorite movie with your pets.
Go outside and breathe in cold night air, and taking such a deep breath that when you let it out your shoulders drop and a feeling of warmth floods your body, and then remembering how loved you are.
Using the F**k word and shots of good tequila or whisky, and a big bear hug.
Meditating. Going to a favorite place in your mind and imagining how you would feel there. Also imagining you are being held and hugged by a favorite person. This could even be someone from your long past.
Breathing, slow and deep, inhaling through the nose and exhaling out the mouth with the ‘ah’ sound of relaxation. Ten times or more. This rewires the system. (and belly breaths rather than chest)
Knowing you don’t have to explain anything, simple, short prayers for help to calm you, and for peace of heart.
If being pressed for answers, responding with ‘let me get back to you on that’. Delegating. Remembering that friends will often let you delegate to them.
Yoga and meditation.
Remembering that critical issues will pass one way or another, and ask yourself how much it will matter in a week, a month, or a year from now. Let go of those that loose their potency over time. Stay the course in your heart and you’ll know what to do and you’ll make it through, and eventually these issues will be behind you.
Hot tub, chocolate, tea, a good book, crossing your arms/hands and slapping them on your chest/shoulders, yelling, shouting, screaming, punching pillows, running.
Writing down the things bothering you because putting things on paper helps clear the brain.
Scan through your body. Notice the tension. Invite each piece of tension to soften one at a time. Ease out of the saved up cues of danger leftover from past times so that your body can more accurately assess what amount of safe there is right now.
Acknowledge every feeling, identify the underlying fears, angers, etc.. It’s amazing how much less power those fears have after you do that.
Sound frequency for healing and stress relief.
A pocket rock. Find a rock that gives you a good feeling and touch it when you feel stress, and focus on how it feels. The rocks get smoother over time.
Obviously I couldn’t do everything on the list, but there were some that definitely resonated with me, like the pocket rock. My sister gave me a polished stone years ago to carry with me when going to radiation treatments. I still have that stone and keep it in my crochet basket. I pulled it out. This also reminded me of cultures that use worry rocks and pass them down through generations of family, so the stones end up polished smooth and with worn curves.
Going outside into the fresh air. I went for a walk with a friend and later spent some time out in the cold listening to the wind in the trees.
Remembering to breathe and lower my shoulders! When I read the comment about scanning through my body I realized my neck was stiff and my shoulders were practically up blocking my ears.
The reminder that what I was stressed about will pass and a year from now I probably won’t even remember. How true that is. Also, recognizing the underlying fears. Isn’t fear always underlying stress?
And of course, a hug from the husband always, always, abolishes stress and fear and tears and anger and anything else I need to release. He insists that a hug should last at least 45 seconds to be effective. I count slow.
I found it interesting that many of the comments related to resetting your system, almost shocking it back into balance. As in the bowl of ice water or the cold shower. And of course the many comments around deep breathing, which I think is also a way of resetting the system. This reminded me of a friend who regularly does the polar plunge in our frigid river. It’s a ritual for her and has resulted in some beautiful poetry.
So the stress is greatly reduced and I’m reminded once again what wonderful, wise, and loving friends I have. They are all valued more than they probably know.
Lisa Stowe - The Story River Blog 