One of my sisters recently asked me if I had forgiven our mom. I thought she was referring to something that happened many years before, but today I realized she may have been talking about an event a few years ago. That event left me betrayed, hurt, and angry for a long time. But have I forgiven mom? What exactly does that mean?

Some say you should forgive and forget. When I hear that I always wonder how they expect a person to purposely forget something. It’s not like your brain is a dry-erase board. I assume what they really mean is ‘forgive and let go’. Which, of course, can be pretty darn hard to do.

When I hear people say they’ve forgiven someone, many times I hear an element of pride, or ego, in their voices. As if saying that means they are superior to the one they forgive. That makes the cynical part of me wonder if they forgave because they were ready to let go, or if they forgave to show themselves a better person. Which is different from forgiving to make themselves a better person.

I think ego is perceived in forgiveness when a person feels the need to tell the other one that the’ve been forgiven. If you are truly letting go, does the other person need to know? Are you forgiving for your peace of mind, or to be able to face the other one and say, ‘I’m better than you’?

Is there a little bit of smug humility in there?

Someone once told me that they had finally reached a point where they could forgive me. To this day, I have no idea what I did that I had to be forgiven for, and it hurts to think I did something that impacted them. But I’m glad they were able to let go.

Of course there are always situations where a person needs to face the other one, needs to look them in the eye and speak the final line of their story. To be able to be strong, say they are letting go, and then walk away. That’s strength, not ego.

I do’t think the act of forgiving ever means that a person is saying what happened was okay. Forgiving never means, to me anyway, that what happened should have happened. This is where I start getting hung up on forgiveness. Because isn’t that what forgiveness is saying? I’m letting go of that. I didn’t like it, but it’s okay, we’ll just move on. Why should someone be allowed to go on like nothing happened?

That makes me think that forgiving someone means they don’t get ‘punished’ for what they did. There are no visible consequences.

Yet, who are we to be the judge and jury? How do we know they return to their life unaffected? Even though we may forgive someone, that doesn’t mean we were right, or blameless, either. No argument happens in a vacuum.

I don’t claim any clarity of understanding or wisdom. I’m going to be honest here and it won’t reflect well on me. When I’m asked if I’m going to forgive someone, I get a bit testy. Of course I’m not. I’m going to walk away. I’m going to work on letting go of my anger or hurt. But I’m going to sit back and wait for Karma. This doesn’t mean I brood on things. After all, when my sister asked me if I’d forgiven mom, I’d clearly forgotten the Big Event.

I can walk away. I can choose whether to have that person in my life or not. I can protect my peace of mind. I can have very clear boundaries to make sure something like that never happens again. I can build a very high, strong wall that the other person can’t get through. If that means I’ve forgiven someone, then I guess I have.