Those who read this blog know I love any question that begins with ‘What if…’ and all the stories that question leads to. But over the past couple years I’ve been noticing a new question creeping in. Not sure I like it, not sure I want to ask it, definitely don’t want to hear the answer.
I think this new question has to do with the gray hair starting to come in. They both seemed to arrive at the same time.
‘Is this it?’
Not so much ‘is this the sum total of my life?’ or ‘is this who I am to be from here on out?’. Or even ‘is this all there is?’.
Those of course are deep questions that can be asked at any stage of life. But it’s not how I’ve been asking that question. It goes something more like this.
When a semi truck going way too fast on the narrow bridge over the Skykomish river confluence is way over into my lane and there’s no place to go but the river. That brief second before the driver gets the truck safely back into his lane.
When lying on the table with your breast covered in ultrasound goo.
When you’re feeling up your arm pit thinking, has the lymphoma come back?
When you’re standing in the pantry trying to remember what you went in there for, and then can’t remember if you even wanted to go to the pantry.
When you realize that the generation older than you is fading and you’re becoming that older generation.
It’s actually an odd thing to think about, but I assume as everyone ages they begin to wonder what their end will be like.
In a way, it’s a rather sick humor sort of version of the ‘what if’ question. That makes me laugh now that I think about it.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not brooding or even worried. It’s just occasionally the question pops into my head.
Is this it?
Well, not today. Today all is good.
Except for the housecleaning bit. But even that’s not so bad when music is blasting and the husband is helping and the dog is protecting me from the killer vacuum cleaner.
5 thoughts on “Then There’s This Question”
Mid life crisis? I had that question early in my life and itbrought me here. I am always searching for more and something better… i hope at some point i will be happy and content to tell mysrlf that it is fine and when it is time to go I hope I dont fell regret…
Is this it??? YES!!Right now this second or minute is all I can experience, weather i am forgeting my socks after repeated attempts to go get them or it is the first trip to my sock drawer, this is it. what i did ten minutes ago is an illusion. i can not experience again and who knows how accurate my memmory is of going to get my socks???? Forgeting to feed the cat sets up a series of events that keep the cat present on my mind. It sounds like you are facing at least testing if not cancer again. I sometimes struggle with staying in the moment now that i am in treatment yet again, but have stopped my mind from wondering in to what if and fear and focus on now.as best i can.
Everything’s fine; my mind just started wandering during the mammogram. Good reminder to live in the ‘now’.
I’ve been thinking my version of this for years now. Lately, because my insurance provider and my hospital and doctors parted ways (leaving me no choice but to get temporary doctors until June 1st or delay everything until then), I’ve been thinking, “Is this all my life is?” more keenly. If I get the mammogram now and need more tests and heaven forbid, another surgery, I’m not going to a new hospital and surgeon, so what’s the point? I’m trying to eat better and lose some weight while I wait for June. It feels reasonably proactive to me, but I keep having these, “What else is there?” moments.
Hope all is well with you. And I love that last line. Cats only try to save themselves. Mine comes out from her hiding place after the vacuuming’s done, looking surprised that I survived. 🙂
I hate that so many health decisions for people rely on huge corporations and insurance carriers. I hate that people are forced to make decisions about their health and bodies because of insurance companies. I guess we do the best we can, like you said, and go from there.