Illusions of Safety

I remember a windstorm a few years ago. In the mountains you can hear the wind coming from far away, roaring up the canyons. You feel the tension, the stillness of waiting, knowing you can’t stop it. You watch the huge evergreens around you and how the tops start to sway. The wind is up high still, but that roar. It’s coming. The trees start to bend and then to whip.

I remember sending thoughts out to fir and cedar and hemlock. Hang on. Dig your roots in and hang on. Most did.

Have you ever taken a stick and bent it over your knee, snapping it in two? Remember that sound, that dry crack? Now imagine that sound magnified, deepened into something you feel through your feet touching the earth. Give that sound the background of the wind screaming past you. Follow that bone-deep snap with something like thunder right over your head.

That was a cedar tree coming down, unable to hang on. Taking its sister tree with it. Pulling a couple younger hemlock trees down, too.

No matter what nature sends us, our homes give us the illusion of safety. If you live where we do, you can close your door, maybe lock it, and all that could be dangerous is out in the wild. Bears. Cougars. Snow. Wind. Even the deep dark of a forest night. We feel secure hearing the rain pound down on the roof, as we sit next to the wood stove and hot fire. Maybe the tea kettle simmering gently over the flames. We tuck down under the thick pile of blankets, as ice forms on the river and water thickens until it no longer moves. We feel safe.

But really, in the mountains, there is always the chance of earthquakes. Whitewater rivers that sweep homes away. Landslides. Boulders bigger than your house catapulting down. Trees that can’t hang on.

Morning Star climbing route

Morning Star climbing route

In northeastern Montana, the illusion of safety comes from the high mesas. The openness. No trees to hit the house. No mountains to crumble down on top of you. But there, winters can hit minus sixty. Cold so deep you can’t breathe or even open your eyes. There, on those broad fields of wheat, tornadoes touch down and lift away all they touch. And yet we climb down into the cellars, close the door, and feel safe.

Montana storm

Montana storm

No matter where you live there is the illusion of safety. Either in your home, or in your car, or in your cardboard box under the highway overpass. We pull our jacket collars up, we tuck our hands under armpits, and we lock those doors against burglars. We roll up car windows. We clutch cell phones with a finger on speed dial.

But all those things that make us feel safe and in control are transitory. We go through our lives busy with daily routines, never paying attention to just how not safe we are until the news tells us to board up windows or move to high ground. And even then most people think, ‘I can drive that road without four wheel drive’ or ‘I can pass that idiot driver before that car gets too close’. It boils down to the ego of ‘it won’t happen to me’.

Driving home

Driving home

We never live our lives as if we’re not safe. As if, in a moment, we could be gone. We take things for granted. We tell ourselves to remember to call that friend. Say, ‘we really need to get together one of these days’. Hang up the phone before we remember to tell our son we love him, or to tell someone far away they are missed.

In our safety we are full of good intentions. Until it’s too late and then we are full of regret.

It’s in our nature to feel safe. To procrastinate doing those things or simply forget in the daily bustle. Don’t prepare or stock up because the store will be open tomorrow. Don’t learn how to grow or can or hunt or fish because the freezer will always run. Just huddle close to the fire that keeps shadows behind us.

Those good intentions are so strong.

Tomorrow.

I’ll do it tomorrow.

What makes you feel safe? And, are you, really?

What things are you putting off? Why? And which is more important – what you put off, or the reason why?

Get out there and live with no regrets.

Young climbers headed for Morning Star

Young climbers headed for Morning Star

Markers of Age

What are the little realities in life that make you suddenly pause and think ‘how can this be?’ (with a slightly panicked tone of voice)?

What little clues rear up and bite you in the rear when you’re not looking, that make you whip around in shock, thinking, rather hysterically, ‘hey now!’?

Let’s list them, shall we?

When your little sister is older than you and you don’t know how that happened.

When your baby comes home for a visit. Think about that a moment. And then, when you ask your husband if he has any cash so you can get a coffee to keep you awake for a work meeting, and your son pulls out his wallet. It’s just SO wrong when your child gives you money instead of the other way around.

And let’s not even talk about gray hair. Well, okay, let’s talk about that by gloating first and saying that both older and younger siblings as well as friends, have had gray hair a long time. At least it happened to them first. And if you’re reading this, neener, neener.

Then there’s the little things.

Realizing that you’d rather go to bed when it gets dark than stay up all night debating what’s wrong with the world and making plans to save it.

Learning, way too late in life, to say what you mean, speak up for yourself, be blunt, be honest, and no longer care what others think. If only that wisdom could have been in my brain during the tortured high school years.

Realizing that you have friends who have been best friends for longer than you ever would have dreamed when you first met them. Over forty years now that I think about it, which blows me away because in my brain we’re still in our twenties.

And speaking of that, the weird dichotomy of your brain convinced you’re considerably younger than the calendar says.

Outliving your parents and realizing you’re never too old to be an orphan, and how wrong that is.

When the doctor says specific, humiliating physicals are needed because you’re now at ‘that age’.

Or, if you have a doctor with a sense of humor, like I do, tells me that out of the Celtic female trilogy, I’ve flown past ‘maiden’ and ‘mother’, and am now a ‘crone’. I told him I prefer ‘wise woman’. He laughed.

When you read obituaries and see the deaths of those in their seventies and eighties and realize those ages are starting to appear on the horizon. Still distant, but starting to peek out at you.

Okay, I’m depressing myself. Think I’ll go borrow some money from the kid and figure out something to do that will embarrass him.

That’s the flip side. The ability to throw off society’s expectations and do whatever you want, knowing people will whisper ‘poor thing, must be getting senile’ and that they’ll be too polite to make you stop.

Hmmm. This could be fun.

Remembering War

The anniversary of the end of the Vietnam war today. I remember that ending. Sadly, I saw this anniversary mentioned in few places in the internet world/news. NPR had a story about visiting the memorial wall, which I have also seen. But other than that the internet seems to be full of the usual celebrity fluff, cat videos, and tag lines such as ‘When I saw this it blew my mind!’ and prompts such as ‘Hit Like if you agree!’. Oh, and please let us not forget invitations to play games.

This anniversary though, is especially poignant for me because these were young men, 18, 19 years old. The age of my son right now. I worry about his ability to grocery shop let alone heading over to be part of things no one should have to go through. And yet, have we as a people learned anything? At the end of each war we think, now we know better, now there will be no more. At least until the next one. I would like to start a debate, even at the risk of that debate becoming a shit-storm.

Please don’t interpret my comments that follow as support of Hilary Clinton, or as a slam against specific religions or even about race. I don’t mean to slide into arguments/discussions that can’t be resolved, such as religion and politics. I’m talking war here, nothing more. Although, that topic, too, will never be resolved.

It seems, throughout modern history, we have been led by men and there has been war. I have no facts to back this up as I am not a philosopher, sociology professor, anthropologist, or historian. Yet it seems to me when there have been riots as are happening frequently now, the looting and destruction are predominantly young men. I ask, what is it about men of a certain age, to seek out violence? Of all the murders committed throughout society, what is the percentage of male killers vs. female killers?

When a man sends a son off to war it appears to be a fearful moment of pride. When a woman sends a son off to war it seems to be just fear. Yes, yes, I know that’s a broad generalization. I know there are exceptions to everything we say. Yet I still can’t help but wonder what would happen if we returned to a matriarchal society, to women who were healers and mothers first. To religion that recognized the female as equally divine, such as goddess and god, not just a male God. Again, I am not slamming or supporting one religion over another, just wondering what would happen.

Honestly, I think in these days not much would change in spite of a somewhat idealized hope. After all, we have women in the military, women are strong and capable and able to fight, shoot, and defend. And as a woman I’m proud of that.

But would there be war?

I guess we won’t know until a day when our leadership is not made up of only old, rich men.

For today, I remember Vietnam, those who never returned, those who returned but never healed, and those who had to let them go. I remember all who were touched by that war, on all sides of the conflict.